Back Before I Knew Myself Now

Sweet rose petals falling on the inexpensive sidewalks of NW 20th and cats on night prowls would stop to purr at your feet when you walked back after a show. There was always someone somewhere who had just taken a piss and spilled a beer, so both smells were in perfectly equal parts when crossing specific sections of W Burnside. Nobody bothered me much, but I still walked quickly. I miss cold grey fall mornings where I could not keep enough pot or coffee or unread books in my apartment.

I have children, a husband, and a house, and live in the high desert, but those moments in Portland I really do miss so much. 💜

I have had moments today where I'm at a loss for direction. The reality that summer ends today, school begins tomorrow, fall is in the air, and soon I can have my own rhythms and patterns again is strange, almost uncomfortable.

When you parent special needs kids, the amount of energy you expend over the course of a summer, with a large majority of it having nothing to do with your personal interests or well being, can turn you into an exhausted heap. The last 4 days or so I've also been pretty sick and sleepless. To imagine long stretches of uninterrupted sleep is just wild.

I love my family, don't ever misunderstand that. But there is something to be said, though, for finding balance from within... something that is uniquely mine, alone.

Oh... AND CONTAINS QUIET.

So I hope it wraps back around to a familiar feeling again... a feeling that isn't tied up in guilt for wanting time for myself. I may be a mother, but I am also a person. And that person needs a serious break.

Happy Back-To-School to all the exhausted special needs parents everywhere, and God bless the special needs teachers!

Things To Remember Before Joining A Social Media Cult

Don't twist yourself up into something you are never allowed to voice an opinion on.

Don't involve yourself in something where you were never wanted (even if you have a right to be involved).  

Empathy & giving of your whole heart is not enough for some.

Step away when your needs are not being met, especially if every other person seems to think that's just fine.

Always remember that truly loving people WILL appreciate you for exactly who YOU are.... NO EXCEPTIONS!

And at the end of the day, there's always another social media cult.

* cheers *

When You #FeelTheBern While Reading Lars Larson Comments On FB

America has turned into a money slumped sludged-out shit-hole with the decline and evaporation of the middle class. You can be college educated and employers still want to only pay $10 an hour, few if any raises, and little to no benefits. No one can even pay for rent and food for that let alone their student loan bills, so tell me about this great nation America? 

And if you are a service woman, you come back with a leg missing from a some war Bush sent you to, defending God knows what, but you signed up because you love your country and you are a proud American, but what do the Republicans do? They deny you Vet benefits and then blame it on Obama! As if Vets can't see clearly what the truth is? Not every Vet is a Republican robot who accepts "trickle down Reaganomics" as something that ACTUALLY worked for America. 

BECAUSE IT DIDN'T.

Jackholes like Lars Larson get on air and run their mouths every day, talking about how people just need to just "get a better job" if they want more money, or because men "work harder" they "deserve" more money than women so they shouldn't have a problem with being paid 30 cents less or whatever. It's never that simple. The working class know it, the educated folks know it, so why pretend that it is?

The state we are in is a direct result of Reagan deregulating everything (including the media, so stations no longer have to give you ACTUAL balanced media coverage of an issue, and can now present one-sided political & socio-economic reporting like never before), closing everything (like state mental hospitals that provided safe spaces for the mentally ill & helped keep dangerous folks off the streets), also lots of no new taxing everything to appease the base, and giving the rich corporate heads tax breaks beyond their wildest dreams as "job creators" creating an 80's bubble that guess what?... popped right in the lap of oil barrel obsessed Saddam rival Bush 41. Fun times were over :(

Then Bill comes in.... America gets a new jolt of possibility... the high crest of the Clinton years comes with a balanced budget but we also get NAFTA "most favored nation" BS with China, and all those rich assholes left over from Reagan's day close up shop and move American businesses overseas FOR GOOD. We also see the rise of nutcases like Rush Limbaugh being "held hostage" until guess what? A stolen election for Bush 43! Then 9/11, two convenient wars, and then the ROCK BOTTOM attained by Wall Street greedy whores riding bareback on Dubya and the Sith Lord. But to the GOP, it's all #ThanksObama , right?

The world is so simple without a single shade of grey when you sit behind a microphone and have your producer circle the latest Fox News talking points for you to address, you know?

There is a lot to be thankful for. Make it the center of EVERYTHING.

Poem for Ryan Adams' Photo

There it flew The hovered saints It said my name The sky felt blue And clouds belong In feather slips refrain

She slept inside a strawberry
Alone and kept on her own
You took big bites each day until
Juicy red flesh collapsed upon her.

Tonight's three minute poem written in response to a FB status update:

Stu Carpenter --

Lions, soldiers, unborn babies, and black motorist... God made them, while we create a hierarchy of who deserves more sympathy. These tragic losses point out differences where empathy could go.

Laurie Kruczek --

They all go to sweet pillow clouds Lofty dream spaces on horizons pinked and peached The daily reminders that destiny is an unmarked destination cultivated by culture, created by domestication We drift, despite the windless, mindlessness of predestination, dividing ourselves between today and a thinner atmosphere Do you want every question answered or do you want the magic, miracles, and surprise of another day?

Some male "friend" on FB just raved on about Elizabeth Hurley, how hot she is at 50, how "fat and gross" American women are at 50+, and how he needed he needed to move to London ASAP.

I read what he wrote and was taken aback. The guy is like pushing 40 fast, losing his hair, 35+ lbs overweight, etc so I was like, 'Who's this guy to pull these standards out for 50+ year old women? Why is it that men think they can be slobs, but expect us to be perfect?

I decided to respond to him without much edit, to make sure my feminist credentials haven't washed off just because it is FB, land of the polite.

My response:

"Those 'fat and gross' women in their 50s don't have the genetics or money or time or desire to continue to binge and purge, suck and tuck, and publicly flaunt their bodies for the consumption of pimple assed balding dudes worldwide, fapping into old man socks while guzzling Mt. Dew in mommy's basement. Most women are mothers and grandmothers by 50 and have richly rewarded lives that don't require men's approval any more than men require ours."

He unFriended me from FB & blocked me from twitter.

😂 Guess my credentials are intact. 😂

So when you see misogyny, much like racism, you have to call it out & claim your opposition. Dudes may hate you, but it's probably because deep down, they know you're right.

Mostly Nightly

Restless sleepless
Tired enough for us both
Up late with laundry
Binge watching canceled shows

Online off line
Over the line
No really, I'm fine
Refresh timeline

I drank the bottle
I ate the cake
I watered the garden
at 2:05am

Forget the sunset
Forget the pink stars
Up comes an amber sunrise
Now pillowing my head

I love my family, even on stress filled days like today. Our family is based in love for all of humankind, not just white vs. black, Christian vs. Muslim, gay vs. straight, or neurotypical vs. intellectually disabled.


Jesus preached not to judge, but to love thy neighbor. If you do not hold this above all else, no matter your religion, race, intellect, or sexual orientation, your walk amongst humans is heading you into a brick wall.


And you dont need Jesus to understand that. You might be atheist and still understand that loving each other is the only way we will ever move forward. We all struggle. We all need empathy. We all need to get real with our prejudices and be decent people on this planet. Please think critically about what you believe before you "believe" it.

Sitting outside in the gorgeous twilight
Looking out over the Columbia River
Lights coming on in the city below
62 degrees and silver-blue skies
Tomorrow will be 70 without a cloud
My sour cherry tree is puffy white
I hear frogs more than traffic
The chickens are finishing off some grasses
My dog is asleep

    Ahhhhhh spring!